Then and Now
by Voodoosgirl
Summary: Some memories remain vivid, soul-deep core-bound defining across the seasons, clinging stubborn to a mind forced empty repeated. Not to be driven out, not to be forgotten. New Year's Eve, then and now.


About memories: Some remain distinct, etched crystal real as now. Others distort over time, fade to black with mottled gray lost to life and worry and events uncontrolled, slipping nebulous away. Some settle comforting to jagged edges of a mind, wrapping warmth to the dissonance left in the aftermath of chaos.

Some memories remain vivid, soul-deep core-bound defining across the seasons, clinging stubborn to a mind forced empty repeated. Not to be driven out, not to be forgotten.

"I knew I'd find you here," Steve's words gentle spoken, feather-light not disturbing a tenuous pose. Bucky standing boardwalk's edge, facing night's expanse blue-black, ocean's rush and rumble invisible beyond, near drowning breath's sounds.

Steve settling beside him hundred years familiar, "I've searched for you for days," step closer quiet, more comforting than cautious, shoulder's near brush sleeve to sleeve. Heat's spread heart to muscle to bone, rippled relief finding him safe, thumb's catch delicate to a finger not drawn away.

Bucky's answer soft-spoken towards the water, "How did you know?" Words feeling internal, unsure if spoken aloud or in a head filled with noise. Voices past churning haunted, one Voice ruling all, not his own, insidious gift from the dark cold of cryo's keep. Guilt's remnant rising intermittent ebb and flow, driving his escape, wandering alone in his remorse.

Edging nearer, Steve needing hand's possessive slip around a waist, "I know you, we have history here." Letting chin rest to shoulder, dark hair blown tumultuous across cheek, and eyes, catching scent craved. Missed until an ache gripped heart and gut and soul. Air pulled easier now, hands on a body needed, lost brief, desperate search finding him again.

"I needed time and space. The noise was overwhelming," Bucky sensing Steve's mood, questions not asked; willing lean temple to temple, falling to an embrace protective. A whisper close, lips brushed to beard's stubble, "I forgot, got confused. I'm sorry."

Triggers work odd ways, words wiped clear grateful for that, sounds and sights another matter, forgetting what's safe and whole, needing to run. Bucky disappearing at times, Steve searching relentless, always knowing somehow where to find him in the end.

Steve not answering, words not needed arms surrounding, bodies intimate fitting, tension slipping to fatigue, embracing grateful tender. A hand catching a cheek, skin needing skin beneath a thumb's caress, touch proving Bucky's real not a dream disconcerting.

Bucky settling in snug to a body warm consoling, "I remember this place. Us being here. We were kids."

Steve carding fingers through hair long tousled by a breeze salted brine, "New Year's Eve, I was sixteen, you were seventeen, we stood right here, well the old boardwalk, that damn rollercoaster behind us."

Head tilting into a hand's caress, Bucky pulling Steve hip to hip, "We watched the fireworks over the water, I remember that. I remember you." Eyes closed, words spilled an aching secret, "I remember your sweat hot on my skin, your moan filling my mouth. I remember your touch, rough and light and fired, owning every nerve in my body. Then and now."

"Come home with me," Steve's whisper leaving heat to an ear, lips pressed light to a cheek, a jaw, nestled consuming to neck's tender flesh. Skin's scent pulled deep soothing.

Bucky's chest rise and fall, breath sighed relief, "I knew you'd find me, I hold onto that every day, every minute. I know you'll find me somehow."

"Always, Buck, always," Steve's kiss light to lips chapped dry, lifting a chin, gaze connecting, trust seen in gray eyes tired, needing his arms wrapped protective, keeping close.

Amphitheater near, band music's start wafting loud to distant carried on the wind, unfamiliar for the most part, stirring their movement. Steve breaking his hold enough, just enough to take Bucky's hand, gentle tug to walk boardwalk's length.

Pace slow rhythmic gentle in time with drum's pulse, fingers tight entwined. Steve's reminder, "You tried to teach me how to dance, back then and last month. I kept stepping on your toes. You ripped my shoes off."

Bucky's smile a fleeting light, "You did alright, I just wanted to get you naked."

"You certainly did that," Steve leaning near, a kiss left tender to a cheek.

Silence shared for a distance, passing people go unnoticed, wooded walk giving way to grass underfoot. Music's beat changing fast to slow, something more familiar. Bucky not quite sure, finding solace in a memory indisputable, "I cooked for you, eggs and bacon, I burned the toast. I remember that smell, I had to open - no, you opened the window, wait no, the door to the deck, it was cold, we ate outside." A smile slipping insecure, "Was that then or was that now?"

Steve needing him closer than hand in hand, arm thrown over a shoulder, a tug jolting bodies emphatic, "Now and then, always. You've always taken care of me."

Bucky's kiss adoring to fingers locked in his hair, "And you take care of me."

"I swear, forever," Words irrefutable, pressed to the top of Bucky's head.

"It snowed on our hash browns," Bucky's tug on Steve's waistband toying.

Steve countering a smirk, "You dropped the toast on the deck and ate anyway."

Bucky's laugh unrestrained captured quiet, "You said it was the best meal you'd ever eaten."

"I did and I meant it," heart's pulse skipped, Steve lost in Bucky's laugh, voice's tone and timbre, each syllable burned to memory indelible.

"I don't believe you. About the best. I remember the meal. It sucked," Bucky settling his head to Steve's shoulder, nestled content, "I remember the way you look at me. Then and now."

Music slowing to a song known well, Steve needing Bucky's heat, face to face, arms encircling possessive, bodies sway unconscious moved by melody's refrain. Foreheads pressed a whisper, hesitant of the answer, "How do I look at you?"

Bucky sure irrefutable, "Like I'm whole, I'm forgiven. Like I have a past that's only you."

Steve brushing hair from Bucky's face, time spent careful study, lines at eye's corners, mouth's slope not the smile he'd come to know ages gone. This look more worn, time and guilt taking its toll; resilient still, spark of life and hope and love reflected in the gaze staring back.

Words held close, Steve not ready to confess. Mouth's press gentle, tongue's delicate excursion savoring taste stolen, a kiss lingering long, reassuring doubts. Parting by a breath, for his answer, "That's how you look at me."

Bucky catching Steve's hand abrupt, metal to flesh tender interlaced, an arm's tight tug on a waist, leading in their dance, lush earth beneath slow stepping side to side. Bare branches overhead, street lights interspersed, pale yellow pools casting shadows faint across their gentle swayed embrace. A murmur brushing warm to cheek, "We couldn't do this back then, dance like this. Out in the open, for anyone to see."

Steve's palm spread firm claiming Bucky's back, gaze caught on a smile real and free, more than an echo of the past. Hip's bone hard-pressed to hip, needing bodies close. Bucky's mouth finding delicate skin behind an ear, teeth's sharp taking, pulling taut, blood pooled mark drawn craved. Steve's breath a moan hissed muted, arms' strength lifting Bucky from his feet. His dare to improvise, a step and then another, wide swing and turn, balance teetering to a stumble ending in a fall, spread messy on the grass.

Their laughter mingled with the music, a sound not forgotten, childhood's shadows crossing time woven in this moment, real and now stirring mouths to meet in tenderness. Tongue's gliding languid, first kiss awkward nervous then, tonight a comfort mending, time together cherished now after being stolen.

Steve lying full weight on Bucky's chest, mouths parted slight to whisper, "We laid on the beach that night, just like this."

Bucky countering pragmatic, "It was freezing, and wet, you caught a cold."

"You got the medications, you saved my life," Steve balancing his dour.

Breath pulled ragged deep, eyes closed holding dreams, lips brushed to a beard, Bucky's answer murmured final each syllable deliberate, "You saved my soul."

Heart's beat catching in Steve's throat, pulsed at temple, words spoken hard to hear. Thumb's caress of lips quieting, mouths meeting gentle to hard to hungered, a hope to drive away the remnants of his pain.

Their kiss interrupted, bright flash overhead, dull thudding seconds after, rainbowed colors scattered pattern across a sky dark black. Bucky's flinching squirm held protective, Steve keeping stubborn grip. Arms engulfing a body startled, words soothed reassuring "It's fireworks, that's all. It's New Year's Eve. Just like before."

Bucky searching anxious, a gaze glancing up, eyes bright wide rapt expectant watching colors burst and paint night's sky a brilliant glow. Steve's focus locked on Bucky's face, cascaded light skittering overhead; red chasing blue, yellow bursts, falling green, pale reflected on skin and eyes adored, a smile unrestrained.

White fluttering blown erratic, snow falling fits and starts, metal hand raised playful catching flakes in a palm, on fingers wiggled curious. Cold history as the Soldier giving way to times far past, Bucky's murmur near a secret, "Remember, snow angels, forts, fights, shit you could throw even then, even scrawny."

Steve's chin balanced on hands folded soft content on Bucky's chest. Gaze close studying features, older now time telling of their boyhood underlying, sparked fleeting in gray eyes, upturn of a mouth, a tic at corner's eye for memories held dear. A smile hard to hide, watching Bucky trace fireworks in the sky, catching snow on fingers toying.

"Stop staring at me, You're missing the fireworks," Bucky's protest half-hearted, embarrassed by his scrutiny.

Steve shaken from his study, a loving brush of snow from hair cascading long, "Don't worry about me. I've got the best view on Coney Island."

Finger's slip beneath Steve's jacket, palms spread wide and claiming on a back, Bucky needing flesh's warmth for hands cold and a heart grateful felt. Hips moving intimate matched, body's promise of a night still young, a murmur sighed against Steve's mouth, "Take me home."

Not missing a beat, Steve rolling to his feet, Bucky tugged following feather-light, bodies crashing intertwined arms and legs and souls held possessive. Words breathed warm to skin known forever, "I thought you'd never ask."


End file.
